• Indian Aspie

What do you feel?

Updated: May 15

As an individual I had always found it difficult to express what i feel. Since an early age I used to fumble with word to actually describe what i am feeling. Over a period of time i started to believe that for me life has given a binary choice, I could be happy or I could be angry, there is nothing in between.

This continued for a long time till I decided to visit a therapist. Over a long period of time after countless sittings and grilling (she actually had to make me say things in whatever way I could to explain what's happening) by her I realised that I also have the same emotions, same feelings like the rest of the neurotypical world, it's just that I never understood them clearly.

I used to look at others and see how easy it used to be for them to express their feelings, emotions and then I used to wonder if actually there was some fault in me. I have been called emotionless and it hurt me till this day. The reality was quite opposite to what it was told or showed to me. I actually feel more than what neurotypicals generally feel. I can empathize with people and what they are feeling, I can feel it inside, the pain, the hurt, the anger, their happiness, I feel it too much.

My happiness used to come out in the form of rapid movement and physical excitement like moving my legs rapidly while sitting which I was told was bad and should not be done. No one noticed that I am trying to show my feelings. Slowly and steadily I lost these habits never realising that I am also losing my ability to express my emotions.

After my papa's death, I wanted the world to know I feel it too much, that it hurts me and I am in pain. All I was told was that I am the man of the house now and boys have to be strong. They came and held me against my will and continued to say it, whisper it in my ears. No one came and said that it's okay, cry all you want to. I wish I could have cried properly. There is so much left and now he is gone. I wanted to push these people away, hit them hard so that they could feel a bit of what I was feeling, but I didn't as it's not right.

They wanted an emotionless person and I guess they succeeded in making one. Together, the society, unknowingly have created a monster.

When I will have a kid in future, I will make sure I let them express their emotions, the way they like. Draw, sing, write, show, scream, shout, dance. Whatever way they want to, I won't stop them and will stand guard against the society who may come and tell me to not let them do it.

Someday when I will break down completely, I will scream at their face, asking them to look me in the eyes and see what's left of me.

Not letting a person express is the worst form of mental torture one can do and specially for a neurodiverse person like me.

The world is filled with men who have been repeatedly told not to cry, that crying is a sign of weakness. I bet if we allow men to cry the world will be a lot at peace. If you are hurt and you haven't cried your heart out how will you recover, all this hurt comes out in the form of anger, the kind of anger that just destroys everything in its path. Let the men express, let them cry, not just the neurodiverse people but each and every individual.


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