Updated: May 15
Crowded places, metro, DTC buses, sharing cabs, school buses all these places have one thing in common, too many people.
As an adult with Asperger's, I have always felt overwhelmed in such situations. I never realised it till my diagnosis why I can't tolerate people or crowded places but now i understand.
I have always hated it when people touch you for no apparent reason and in crowded places this touching happens more often. It's like my brain is about to explode, what all should I focus upon? Should I listen to them, should i push people away, should I take care of my belongings, uggghhhhh too much pressure. The only peace I find is isolating myself till i calm down.
Same goes with driving in India. I have seen people driving with loud music, talking on phone, messaging and not flinching even a bit while I have to be extra cautious so that I don't ram or beat someone up. Driving is such a stressful activity for an aspie as one has to take care of too many variables.
Driving with your loved ones and family is again a big challenge. They want to talk and discuss stuff while I want peace so that I can focus, my girlfriend wants to hold me and feel me over while I slowly lose focus from the road. It's a scary thing.
Luckily my family understand, so we don't talk when I drive, my girlfriend doesn't spend much time with me in car but once she does she will know.
I hate to say it but I come with so many conditions, hate to see how its so easy for others while I have to struggle through it silently. Luckily my family is aware about me being on the spectrum and I realise they have to do so much just to make it comfortable for me, like giving up on something which they want to do but can't as it will trigger something in me and make me angry.
I do try to make it easy for them but it's a struggle, it's like I have tied myself to a bungee cord and taken a plunge and now I am bouncing up and down and moving too and fro but I am not a rest which is what I really wanted.
Sometime I wonder why they are even with me, normally everyone leaves as they say I am too difficult for them and too stubborn and I have helplessly watched them go, never been able to truly tell them what I feel or rather how much I feel.
Desperate to keep them close while trying to maintain a safe distance.