Its killing me
Updated: May 15, 2020
I am angry and they say that anger if not let out will consume you and I have been consumed enough with this anger. I read about meltdowns and have talked to people who had a meltdown because they were overwhelmed or angry about something and they let it out.
In my case my late diagnosis and continuous years of masking have trained me not to let go of my anger because being angry means I will end up hurting people and break things which is wrong.
See how the world has destroyed me, over the period of time I have been told again and again that meltdowns and anger is bad and I should control them but the world never realized that how the anger actually got there. What did they do to put it there in the first place, all they saw was anger.
Being an autistic individual in India is not easy especially when the country and the people are so ill equipped to understand this simple condition. How difficult it is to tell someone that your brain is wired differently? That one is not like the common folks, that an individual is unique? I have for my entire life felt an outsider and the world has done a great task to reinforce it that yes you indeed are an alien.
I too feel and I too get hurt, especially with the neurotypical way of life. What comes easy and naturally to a neurotypical is something I have to learn the hard way, with life experiences mostly and it still doesn’t make sense. I like my way of life, simple and easy, where I have more control over my surroundings and where I can manage the world easily. I feel this is the reason why most of the autistic people have such a small circle of close friends and family because they cant tolerate the bullshit the neurotypicals throw at them.
My anger is directly related to this hurt I have been exposed to for a majority of my life. I am tired to see the neurotypicals walking all over me as a doormat without even caring to see what their actions are leading to. They say I am emotionless but I have been emotionally abused. Yes my way of depicting emotion may not be justified by the neurotypicals around me but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel or show what I feel.
All these lies here and there have done enough damage to scar me for life. The kind of scars which don’t just leave and keep bleeding like an infected wound. For a major part of my life I kept on wondering how to express and this is the only medium where I can express a bit of what I feel.
The hurt is killing me and not the kind of killing that will come soon, it’s an everyday struggle where I feel I crave for it to ease down or disappear but it doesn’t. its killing me slowly and softly where I can feel each and every bullet pierce my flesh, slowly opening the skin and then exiting my body but it doesn’t bring death, what it bring along with it is agonizing pain that just shoots all the way to my head bringing back memories of more pain, leaving me gasping for breath and a hope that it will either pass or will kill me.
I don’t know what drugs feel like but I would do anything to stop feeling this for even a brief moment.
PS: Thanks to the anonymous artist for this picture