Empathy and Asperger’s
For a very long time I have been called weird and sometime people also say I don’t have emotions and once I was called emotionless. For most of my teenage years I was living in this belief that I am indeed emotionless. The neurotypical world actually made me believe that I couldn’t feel emotions like them and hence I don’t have any.
Till the day I was diagnosed, it never made sense, why don’t I react or act like the people around me. My diagnosis explained it to me. I am not emotionless. I have emotions and feelings and at any point of time I can feel more than the people around me.
For me emotions and feelings are different. I can feel the people around me, I can hear them out loud, even in my sleep I can sense them. I can smell them, I can feel their touch, I can go on and on for so many things that I can feel when most of you are not even aware about it and pass them off as nothing. If this is how it is going to be then I can easily say you are emotionless, you are the one who don’t have feelings.
I am nearly 30 but I still remember the 1st day my mother came to pic me from school and I was playing with a giant yellow truck. I could see her standing with all the parent at the door of the class. I still remember jumping from the swings in the play ground as a kid. Why I remember it? I remember because I felt it, I felt it too much that it embedded itself inside of me and it will always be there.
I bet anyone of you to go out and feel all this at once and still keep your sanity. You won’t, no one can and yet I am doing it. I am not alone, you see there are more autistic people like me who feel the same but all of us have been side-lined and trampled by the rest of the “normal” folks out there.
I wish I could go back in time and tell everyone how much I feel, if only I can explain it to them, but then again why should I, I don’t matter to them. If I would have then they would have made sure they listened and understand.
I have seen so many incidents where the neurotypical world don’t even react to them and act aloof. Eg. Take any accident on the streets. A large crowd will gather just to see what is happening and record videos and click selfies. It’s pathetic and it hurts, my entire day may be spent remembering the incident and what all I could have done and then I hear that I am emotionless, that I am the one without feelings.
To understand how one feels you need to listen to them, but not all emotions and feelings can be explained. One must also observe how the person reacts and acts. But what if the person can’t even explain it properly using words? It is a very impatient world, if you don’t say what you feel then you didn’t feel anything. Whether it’s parents, friends, siblings, girlfriends, they all would want you to say it, but how can you explain something you don’t understand yourself. The amount of input coming inside the brain is so much and the output is too little and everything else is just piling on somewhere inside and that’s your burden to bear.
My entire life I was waiting for someone to help me take that burden off but I don’t think I will ever find anyone with that kind of power, and till then I will always hear you out, will know and understand what you feel, will feel it along with you but I will always be a handicap when it comes to me doing the same to you. All I wish will be for you to accept me and make an effort to understand me.