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  • Indian Aspie

Drowning in feelings

I am an aspie or you can refer to me as a person with Asperger’s Syndrome. My entire life I have been told I am insensitive, sometimes also called emotionless but in reality I never understood how to show my emotions, how to express them, a task which is really easy for the rest of the neurotypical world.

You may feel something and then you express it in words or art but for me the message remains in my head, building up, like boiling over and over again, trying to come out but unable to. I can’t even describe how painful and emotionally draining it is for me. Imagine if someone shuts your lip and tie you down and all you want to do is scream and call for help but you can’t. What I feel is kind of like that but multiply it maybe by thousand and you will know how it feels.

Lately I have witnessed few accidents and I am unable to process these emotions, the helplessness, the stupidity, the pain, the anger, it’s all screaming inside my head like a small crying baby who doesn’t want to quiet down and no one is helping.

Today while traveling I witnessed a large group of blind people crossing the road. They were coming from some meeting probably. They all were more than 25 year old and some were atleast 50. They were walking in groups, crossing the roads holding each others hand. I encountered one such group of 3 people walking in the middle of the road, directly into the traffic. I immediately signaled people behind me to stop and blocked the road, got down to help them cross the road and went back to clear the road.

Then I saw it happen right in front of my eyes. An e-rickshaw even though he saw them on the side of the road he didn't break and he rammed into that person. The blind fellow fell over taking along with him his partner. He got up immediately hurled few abuses and hit the driver. By that time many others had gathered around them to help them.

Now I am unable to get it out of my system. I did everything I could risking my life but then this happened. I wanted to punch the driver who did it, I saw him run into them. My head was screaming

to turn back and break his face, but I didn’t, I just drove away, knowing very well I would have turned it ugly.

It was painful to watch it happen, the helplessness, its eating me from inside, I don’t understand, do others feel these things like I do? Are your thoughts and your feelings consuming you like that? How do people cope? How do they move on?

I have seen people do things without any regret, having no idea that it may destroy the other person completely. I also have been accused for the same but I can’t even explain that it bothers me.

I wish I could stop feeling too much, it hurts a lot, watching others move on with their lives while I am still stuck on those feelings. The feelings, the experience tends to remain inside of me, it just doesn’t go.

I guess this is why I feel alien over here. I wasn’t meant for this planet, maybe the stork did a mistake.

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