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Autism and the fight within


Image credits: reference drawing by Athira

Dear love,


I am alive.


I know I have been out of touch with you for a long time but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten about you. I think of you all the time, more than you can imagine. I think of you when I listen to my mother talking to you, or when I see a meme I would have shared with you. Sometimes I remember you when I have a whiff of your perfume, or when someone touches me and even when I am eating. I remember you a lot. The list is endless and the reasons for remembering you are endless too.


This thing that I have in between both my ears is not a place you would like to visit or be close too. It’s a dangerous place which tends to pull me back quite often. It makes me see and re-live a lot of memories and trauma that I feel I can’t explain or tell anyone. This has happened in the past and it happens often and believe me I am desperately trying to manage it or control a part of it where I can at least call for help. The problem is it’s such an integral part of me that it takes a lot from me to unlearn this practice. Think of it like a wine wrapped around a tree, you know the tree is there but the wine has covered it completely.


The way I function is not like you, I may resemble anyone of you from outside but inside I feel I am a lost alien left to search for its mother ship or die trying. I try my best to blend in and live life like anyone else. When you have ups and downs you are able to manage it in ways you know the best, you seek help if you have too and even if you can’t glide past it you have a bumpy ride and move on. For me , I spend my entire time and energy to fight the issue, it’s like a hanging rock on the side of the cliff, the nature will not rest till it has come down, so do I. I keep fighting these issues till I succeed or till I burnout and usually by the end of this I am just too exhausted to even face anyone, including my family or anyone else.


I wish you could see or feel it but that would be really pathetic on my part to put you through so much trauma for no fault of your own. It is an experience I can’t even properly describe because when I am going through it is consuming me. It is consuming my energy and all I want to do is make it go away. You may say why didn’t you tell me or you should have asked for help and I don’t have any answer to that because how do I ask for help for something I don’t understand myself. If I could describe what I am feeling I would be more than happy to share it.


A lot has happened over the last few months, it feels a lot has been kept on my shoulder and head and its crushing me but I can’t let it go or drop and I have to put a brave face and continue to carry it with me. With the lockdown things have turned ugly as I am finding ways to live each day and manage my whole existence. It is a fight and feels like being left in the war with a gun and a single bullet with no other means. Now I can either shoot myself or continue to fight, and believe me I am tired. The stress is showing everywhere, my head, my face, my back and god knows where.


I have done this in past, tried to fight my own battles all alone without seeking any help hoping you will realize but never explaining what I am feeling or going through. Over the years I thought I had won those battles but I ended up losing more than I can anticipate. All these enlightenment happen after this war inside me has ended, because that is when I am able to sit with myself and take a stock of the situation, think why it happened, what all I have lost and what have I gained. Believe me, today I being alive and talking to you has come at a cost that I have ended up paying heavily in the past.


This fight I am referring here, I am still in the middle of it, tired and exhausted and it’s the first time I had the courage to write a letter to you during all this. I don’t know by the time it ends, I will be alive or dead, maybe a part of me will die like always but I am hopeful the sun will shine again, you will be there as usual, maybe with few memories of me and few more memories of who you are.


Love,

V

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