Updated: May 15
For the last few months, there has been this dread, a sense of doom, like everything is crashing down. If I have to picture it, it feels like a series of tall multistory buildings, all coming crashing down. A city left abandoned, a deafening silence which hurts the ears, a feeling like which makes my brain feel like a piece of corn in the oven.
The continuous feeling of dread comes from a sense of stagnant future. A feeling that comes when the idea of future looks bleak, a dying career or maybe the end of everything I planned to build.
Anxiety is a real bitch for any autistic individual. It’s a difficult thing to meander by. The constant anxious state just puts the body and mind on a pause mode. Or rather in a mode where one keep vibrating within without being able to do anything. It makes me feel like a broken toy and everyone knows what happens to the broken toys, they are discarded in the dump.
An autistic person can be anxious for numerous reasons, sensory overload, work, life in general, personal life. A list of brief headings where many small triggers are found. Try explaining it to a neurotypical and you will end up getting more anxious because they can’t feel it like an autistic will probably feel.
As an autistic adult I have always struggled with explaining how or what I feel to anyone, whether its family or friends. The conversation has always been about hitting around the bush but never being to the point. People sometimes understand and sometimes just pass a comment, even if it was in a good faith it doesn’t make any sense to me. My issue was left unsaid, unregistered and unexplained.
It’s a struggle on a daily basis now. Something I kind of grew up with, being always in a perpetual state of anxiety. No wonder I can’t sleep peacefully, talk to random strangers or enjoy life like the rest of you guys.
India is a cruel place to be for people with mental health issues or any other form of disability. Many people and communities live in a false sense of the world where they have no space for people who are thinking differently or those who do not follow the social norms. This makes every day a struggle for people with disabilities. I have seen people struggling on a daily basis and the world turned a blind eye to their struggles. Ignoring them like a road kill on the road to so called life, without any remorse or any thought of lending a helping hand.
I didn’t chose to be autistic, I was born like that, for a major part of my life I was left thinking something is serious wrong with me while I struggled every day to be part of this rat race.
My anxieties have grown over the years, feeling like a burden I am cursed to drag along with me, hidden to the eyes of my fellow neurotypical friends and family. It is heavy and it drains me of my energy. I can’t remember the last time I was able to remove it and do anything I liked. My special interest just makes me forget about this horrendous weight I am always carrying around. It’s like a tumor which no one can see or remove but can only be felt by the bearer.
I remember the day (the feeling which seems alien to me now) I was able to relax my shoulders for a brief moment, unknowingly, the burden was missing, and it felt like a fresh breath of air after breaking the surface of the water. I have never felt so relaxed in my life and I doubt I will ever feel the same.
An anxious mind is hyper alert to various stimuli. It makes an individual hyper vigilant and if that doesn’t drain you out I don’t know what will. This will tire you out physically but not mentally. It seems as if my brain had a short circuit and now the on off switch doesn’t work and it is in hyper drive, producing unnecessary thoughts and images.
How do I control them? I have no idea, I just have to see who will break first, my body or my spirit.