• Indian Aspie

Am I dead?

Updated: May 15, 2020

I am officially blank. I don’t know where I am headed or what’s going to happen. I look up and see nothing. I feel as if I am in an open space with no end or anything. It feels dark, no matter where I walk there is an infinite space and nothing in between. It just me and there is a dreadful silence. The kind of silence where you can hear your own blood flow through the veins.

It’s a scary feeling, I have been feeling like this for a long time and I am unable to make anything of it. Life feels so mechanical, like someone wind me up every morning and I act like a toy till I am exhausted of all the energy and then I sleep.

Sleep is the time when I feel I am most alive due to the vivid dreams I am seeing. I don’t remember most of them but they are something. I have never felt so dead my entire life and I wish for something physically to happen so that I can feel alive for once.

Nothing is interesting or motivating me. How can I change it when I don’t even know what I am trying to change? It doesn’t even feel like a mess, it just feels dark and one single color all around me and I am just walking. Where am I headed or what will I get when I reach there, and where is this “there”. It just feels like space before big bang or as if I have been swallowed by a giant black hole.

What am I doing here, what am I waiting for, will anything happen, and am I prepared for it? All these uncertainties are unsettling and anxiety provoking. The kind of anxiety that I am unable to even show or express. I feel I am broken, like a punctured tire which is leaking air but we don’t know where the puncture is.

One may think it’s because I am at home and trying to work from here, not visiting office etc. but that’s not true. I have been feeling like this since long. Since the terrible loss. It has been over a year but I feel I lost myself that day. I lost the light inside of me, I don’t know where it is or how it went out but I want it back. It feels weird to keep pushing, dragging myself in the abyss, looking for that lost spark.

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